Connie (Mrs. WebSlave)

Well, there is a small silver lining in this HUGE cloud I have been living in lately. Lost weight from eating sparsely, and getting back into working outside in the yard. Down to 132.6 lbs now. Not feeling much like the decrepit old man I felt I was being transformed into by circumstances.
 

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Dude, the old ladies on the meat market are gonna chase you! I hope you're a fast runner.
 
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Not to worry. I am NOT going to date someone who looks like my grandmother or my Aunt Edna. :rofl:

To be honest, I have been checking out the internet dating sites, and to be blunt, there is slim pickings there.

But I am fully prepared to live the rest of my life alone, if it comes to that.

Connie would insist that I be HAPPY with someone new. Matter of fact, before she died, she said to me that she needs to find me a girl friend to be with me after she died. That is just like her. Always concerned and worried about my welfare even though she was in dire straights herself.
 
Ah, well. It was 2 years ago today that Connie got the diagnosis of stage 4 metastatic ovarian cancer.

Been working out on the property a lot clearing the underbrush and small trees to open up the woods some. Been using the wood chipper on the tractor to turn all those small trees, vines, and brush piles into little wood chips. Interestingly enough, while I was out there today I was carrying an armload of branches and roots I had cut off of some of the trees to the chipper when I moved to readjust the weight distribution. I suddenly felt a very sharp pain in my left chest. First thing that went through my mind was "well I guess my time here on Earth is done. About time..." I didn't expect that thought. But in any event, just turned out to be a sharp root jabbing me in the chest, so I am still here. :shrug01:

As for the internet dating stuff.... I am a complete flop at it. No closer to finding someone than I was when I started. Have yet to have any real offers to meet anyone in person. Not unless I want to send them money for airfare or gasoline. So it looks like that is a complete bust. Being 73 years old is certainly putting me behind the eight ball. That and I guess I just am not anyone's heart throb. Oh well..........
 
I went to doctors last week. Weight was 208 on a 6'3" frame. Doctor acted like I was 300 pounds. My best friend is female and if wife passed I would never get remarried but I'd be happy with my buddy going to movie or zoo and having lunches and dinners. I'm retiring in August. Planning to get a 2 or 3 day job at Ace Hardware or maybe mowing just a few small yards in neighborhood. I hope you get everything sorted in your new life Rich!
 
Thanks, but I really wouldn't exactly call this a "life".........
 
WebSlave said:
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Not to worry. I am NOT going to date someone who looks like my grandmother or my Aunt Edna. :rofl:

To be honest, I have been checking out the internet dating sites, and to be blunt, there is slim pickings there.

But I am fully prepared to live the rest of my life alone, if it comes to that.
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Just to show you the semi local beauties that like me...... :ack2:

Am I being shallow by not looking for some inner beauty?
 

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Been 9 months now since Connie passed away.

Can't really say things are getting better, just different. Hard to explain in what way things feel different. Maybe it is that I feel that this is now becoming real and I am not expecting (hoping?) to awaken from this nightmare. This is the rest of my life.....
 
WebSlave said:
Been 9 months now since Connie passed away.

Can't really say things are getting better, just different. Hard to explain in what way things feel different. Maybe it is that I feel that this is now becoming real and I am not expecting (hoping?) to awaken from this Only speaking for myself, of course, it doesn't get better; you just learn how to live with the differences.
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WebSlave said:
Been 9 months now since Connie passed away.

Can't really say things are getting better, just different. Hard to explain in what way things feel different. Maybe it is that I feel that this is now becoming real and I am not expecting (hoping?) to awaken from this nightmare. This is the rest of my life.....
Click to expand...
Only speaking for myself, of course, things don't get better; you just learn how to live with the differences, and what your new life has become. I liken it to leaving the house, getting a few miles away, and getting that nagging feeling that something is wrong. Did I unplug the percolator? Check the animals? Did I grab my phone, purse, receipt or whatever documents I need?
Nothing earth-shattering, but just that mild anxiety. I think I live most of the time with a mild anxiety that something isn't right.
 
When Connie knew she was dying, she made me promise that I wouldn't do anything drastic for 3 months after she was gone. She said that she hoped that the pain I would feel from her memories would eventually change into happiness at the thought of her instead of sadness. This has not happened yet. If anything, it has gotten worse. But I told her I would not do anything for a year. I am really REALLY dreading that anniversary date of her dying.....
 
Well, passed the 11th month marker since Connie's death. Still kicking and some screaming.

Connie's sister Karen came over yesterday (Wednesday) and did the bulk of the work going through Connie's clothes and packing them up to take to Goodwill. Also were some items that Connie's niece and other sister, Debbie, were interested in. I helped out a little, but some things that I could see Connie wearing in my mind's eye view were rather unsettling to me. And I also discovered some pics of Connie that were taken when she was much younger, before I met her, and they were really hard to take. Then looking through some of her books to get rid of, I found a photo album containing pics taken when we had gotten married. I couldn't help but look at those photos wondering if she could have possibly thought of some day they would be looked at after she had died? But I guess that is really true about all photographs of yourself. They probably WILL out live you and some day someone will be looking at your pics after you are gone. Yeah, been a rather harsh couple of days.

What bothers me is that I feel like I am erasing Connie out of existence. Removing nearly all evidence that she ever even existed. That just doesn't seem to be fair. How would I feel about someone doing that to me after I die? Removing all traces of my life on this earth? Heck, I had those sorts of pangs to the brain when throwing all the records and many photographs of all the animals I worked with in my SerpenCo business. I felt like I was throwing much of my life into the trash can. Was a pretty rough ride taking all those clothes to the Goodwill and unloading them out of Connie's pickup truck. And then throwing much of her underwear into the garbage and taking that to the end of the driveway Thursday night. It just seems SOOO wrong.

So the anniversary of her death will be coming up soon. I will not be here at home for that day. I cannot be here that day. I cannot walk through the family room where her death bed was located when she died there. Not this year. Maybe never any November 11th. It would NOT be a good day for me here being alone. I wonder if I will wake up at 5:30 am on that day hearing her voice?
 
Well, I survived the one year marker after Connie's death. But I believe the only reason I did was because I was out of the country and spent 3 weeks with a woman I met online in Thailand. She asked me specifically to come to see her and be with her on that date. Yeah, I post on Facebook these days a bit. I can see the attraction. Personal interaction is a powerful draw. I can see where that is missing here, and the discussion forums really never got off the ground. So this site is mostly for classified transactions, and that personal interaction just never interested anyone.

But anyway, this woman I met is Thailand is proving to be a truly wonderful person. I can't say that she erases thoughts of Connie from my mind, however, as I don't believe anything will ever be able to do that. And neither would I want anything to. Being married to someone for 46 years puts them into your DNA for the rest of your life. But the overpowering sadness I would feel thinking of Connie has been greatly diminished. Not totally, of course, but enough that I no longer wonder if putting a gun to my head is in my future. Yeah, things were THAT bad.....

So I am on a path to a new life now. No telling where it will lead. Maybe I lucked out and found a true gem on a dating site on the internet. She is 67 years old, so within my age bracket where a large age gap won't realistically produce it's own set of problems. Her name is Pim. She practices yoga and is in incredible shape for her age. Very attractive in all aspects. And she appears to have been looking for the same things I am for the end time of my life. She treats me like I am the answer to her prayers. I have had some friends say that she is just looking for a better life. Well, so? I am too. Who wouldn't be at this age? Frankly, I feel incredibly lucky to have found her. I could do a whole lot worse, and maybe even not find anyone at all. Biggest drawback is that Pim speaks very little English, but so far we are getting by using translation apps on our phones, and that is working out pretty well. With all of the other positives she offers to my life, this is a very minor issue.

So here I am regretting that I gave away all of the Christmas ornaments last year. But honestly, last Christmas was so disheartening that I seriously doubted I would ever celebrate another Christmas, much less even be around to see that day. But Pim is Buddhist. Does that religion even recognize, much less celebrate that holiday?

But it is a really odd feeling. How do you feel lucky to find someone when it took the death of someone you loved dearly for that to take place? So many conflicting thoughts and feelings running through my heart and head.....
 
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