Connie (Mrs. WebSlave)

Well, gathered up ALL of the Christmas stuff throughout the house. I had been on some local forum that connected local people in your neighborhood, and posted there that I was giving away all the Christmas decorations. Had a bunch of people say they were interested. So I had everything out on the porch and let them all know to just come by at 3:00pm and take what they wanted. I figured Connie would have liked knowing that some of the *good* decorations she had collected over the years went to people who might appreciate and enjoy them.

Not a single soul showed up. So I just boxed up everything and took it all to Goodwill.

I guess that was my first and only attempt at doing a good deed for 2024. Got my quota in early this year.
 
Eh, then those folks can pay for it at Goodwill, and in the process create a nice job for someone who might otherwise have a hard time finding employment.

I've not had much luck giving stuff away online either (Craigslist, for what that's worth). I think there are people who get a thrill out of making plans to get something, and not so much out of actually getting it. Online window shopping of some sort.
 
I do have to admit that it was a bit traumatic driving Connie's Silverado pickup truck. Every time I looked into the driver's side rear view mirror I remembered seeing that giant smile she had on her face in that mirror when I bought it for her and was following her home in another vehicle. She LOVED that truck. She said she had been wanting one all her life.
 
Been 10 weeks since Connie passed away.

Really odd. I only have fleeting flashes of memories from those past 10 weeks. It is like my mind has just stopped recording since 11-11. Sort of how you can almost remember a dream you just had, just bits and pieces of it that you just can't put together into a whole memory.

Didn't go to bed till after 5am this morning. Always seems the worst when I go to bed. And I couldn't think of a good reason to get out of bed and consequently didn't get up till after 5pm. I just hate facing the day ahead of me once memory returns of what transpired 10 weeks ago. Oh yeah........

Everything just seems to be so gray, empty, and devoid of reason.
 
WebSlave said:
Everything just seems to be so gray, empty, and devoid of reason.
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That's normal, and will persist for awhile, unfortunately. You'll eventually get back to normal sleep patterns too; or at least what was normal for you.
Are you at least eating once in awhile? Taking your meds?
 
Yeah, still taking the meds. But just the Escitalopram. Haven't touched the Diazepam in a while.

As for eating, well, now and then. I have to get hungry enough to have the incentive to make something to eat. Sometimes that might be nothing more than a tangerine and a banana. Or maybe a handful of nuts. But most often just a sandwich when I get really ambitious in the kitchen. I have lost 25 lbs in the past few months. I think I need to buy some new belts for my pants pretty soon.

Maybe I made a mistake buying that air fryer. Maybe I SHOULD be eating foods that are fattening and unhealthy for me instead of the air fried stuff. :shrug01:

Frankly I feel better physically. Now if I can get motivated enough to work out in the yard again to keep my strength up............ But I guess I will need to get up earlier before the day is gone. Honestly, though, sleep is such a comforting escape for me.
 
Not a good day today. :(

Got a voice mail on my cell phone early this morning. I listened to it early and figured it would wait. But when I went to listen to it again, the phone started playing messages saved from the beginning. Damn... First message was from Connie back when I was running her to the emergency room about once a week. During one stint I had to come home for a change of clothes and she had called while I must have been in the shower to tell me she was scheduled to go through a scan. Ripped my heart to shreds hearing her voice.....

Then later today I had to move her truck in the garage to work on the tractor. I was OK moving it out, but when I pulled it back into the garage, I became paralyzed remembering when we bought that truck and I was following her while she drove it home. I could see that huge grin in the rear view mirror the whole way. Yeah, I lost it for a while...................................

I am never going to get over this am I?

Crap, and Friday is her birthday. I got through our anniversary on 01-08, but these constant slashes to the heart so close together are taking a toll............
 
WebSlave said:
Not a good day today. :(

I am never going to get over this am I?
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I'm so sorry Rich; those days are absolutely horrible. You won't get over it, because that would mean that Connie wasn't the most important person in your life. However, you will learn to cope better with losing her. Feelings are very raw for awhile, but in time, the pain lessens. Believe it or not, you will actually smile when you think of her, instead of sobbing. So, grieve however you need to, for as long as you need to. No one else gets to decide how you get through it.
 
Well, it is officially Connie's birthday today. Not sure how it is going to go. I might just try to keep myself occupied as much as possible, and if things get to me, pop a valium or two and try to sleep through as much as I can to get the day over with.

Of course, then there is Valentine's Day coming up. First time in a LONG time that I will not have a valentine partner. Guess it doesn't matter much, but I sure am going to miss those special dinners Connie would make during such days.
 
Well, I guess I have lost some of my marbles lately. I counted on the calendar, and today marks 13 weeks since Connie passed away. Yet tomorrow, the 11th will mark 3 months since she passed away. Used to be that there were 4 weeks to a month, but now, apparently, there are 13 weeks and 1 day in three months instead of 12 weeks. :notallthe Does not compute....

Before she passed away, she made me promise that I wouldn't do anything "drastic" until 3 months had passed after she died. So come Monday, I am free of that promise. Problem is, I don't have the faintest idea of anything "drastic" that I would feel like doing. At the time, I was talking about selling the house and property and just going gypsy or something to escape all the memories that are lurking to pounce on me at unexpected and random times. But I soon realized that all of the memories are really in my head, and they will follow me where ever I go, no matter what I do. The only solidity I have in my life right now IS my home. I don't think it would be wise for me to throw that away.

I would like to say I am getting used to this, but that would be a lie.

I remember once reading something by William Shatner where his third wife had died on him and he said he cried for three days over it. At the time, I thought that had to have been a tragic event for him. But heck, now, I think, damn, he sure was cold hearted to have cried for only THREE DAYS.

Even now, three months later, I can be walking around the house or the yard doing anything when some memory will hit me and pretty much take me to my knees in tears. No warning, no escaping it.

I sure hate to think that this might be how the entire rest of my life is going to be like.
 
WebSlave said:
I sure hate to think that this might be how the entire rest of my life is going to be like.
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It won't be forever, but it does take time to get to a point of peace.
I was in a department store at the mall, about a year after my mom died. I saw a bathrobe exactly like the one my mom wore for years. My eyes sprung leaks, and I had to leave. I was kind of surprised that an article of clothing could make me feel that way.
You'll have a lot of "robe moments", but they become less frequent as time passes.
I think you're wise to stay in your home, for now. Marketing a home, and the packing/moving ordeal is a trauma I wouldn't wish on anyone. Personally, I find comfort in familiar places and things. It was so hard to sell my mom's condo, and pack up her things.
Are you in contact with Connie's sisters? Sometimes it helps to talk with people who were also close with her, and reminisce.
 
Oh no, it wasn't going to be anything like that concerning me selling this place. I have no where else really to go. I was thinking about buying a motor home or a tag-a-long camper and whatever couldn't fit in that would be left behind to be sold with the home and property. Too many memories attached to most things here to be bringing them along with me.

Connie has two sisters, but honestly not much in the way of shared memories with them. Besides the SerpenCo business pretty much sucking up all of our time when we had it, Connie and I were pretty much only dependent on each other. We were each other's complete worlds. For which now I am paying the price. But to be honest, I couldn't even think about the situation now much less plan for it.

I haven't been able to even touch any of Connie's clothes. I have no idea when I will be strong enough to be able to do that to box them all up and do whatever someone does with such things.

Anyway, after today I will have kept my promise to Connie. Now I just have to think of anything "drastic" that I may feel like doing.
 
Insomniac101 said:
How are you doing, Rich?
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I don't really know.

Everything just seems unreal and vague like I am just drifting through life now with no point to anything.

Flowers are beginning to bloom around here and I have to mentally slap myself when I think "I need to tell Connie and bring her out to see them."

I had to clear some messages off of my answering machine, so I played them back to see which ones could be deleted. Come to find out I had several messages from Connie on there from when she was in the local hospital and also when she was down in Mexico for treatments. I was paralyzed and could do nothing but sit there and listen to her voice. That was a very BAD day.

I bought a book that I thought might help me called "The Widower's Journey." I dunno. Seems the main premise of the book is to expose the reader to the thought "You aren't alone. Lots of other people have experienced and are experiencing what you are right now." Yeah, I see lots of comments that mirror what I have been thinking. But honestly, if I went to the emergency room with a sharp stick stuck in my eye, it would be no comfort to me to see lots of other people sitting there with the same issue.
 
I'm sorry 😥
I think that the self-help books are good for letting people know, that what they're feeling is normal. They don't make the pain go away, but many people wonder if they're going crazy, thinking thoughts they've never had before.
At the very least, the books let people know that their thoughts and feelings are to be expected. I know; small consolation.
 
I have the entire X-Files series on Bluray disks and late at night have been watching them again to take my mind off of things. I thought this would be a pretty safe harbor for my mind. Until I got to the episode where Dana Scully gets diagnosed with cancer. Not sure I can watch any more episodes now.

Been working with the tractor a lot lately. My friend told me it would be good therapy for me. He said it helps to get out in the woods and "tear up crap". Well, maybe. But the thought intrudes in my mind more often than I think is normal "I can't wait to show Connie what I have done when she gets back........" And then reality smacks me real hard. Yeah, Abbie Normal, that's me.

Last week I went to the local seafood market to pick up some stuff and a customer showed up there that started talking about his cancer. He was telling the people there how he had multiple tumors here and there throughout his body, but he had stopped treatments. He said he had always led a good Christian life and hoped that God would step up and save him. I am glad he couldn't read my thoughts, because I wouldn't have wanted to pop his bubble with what I was thinking.

Cracked the 135 lbs weight barrier this morning weighing in at 134.9. I need to buy new belts for my clothes. :)

Definitely all the flowers blooming is rubbing salt into my mental wounds.

They say that that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Wonder how strong I will be a year from now? I am betting that making it through 11/11/2024 is going to make me one hell of a strong sonofabitch.
 
Well, today marks 4 months since Connie died.

I feel like I have become a modified form of "bipolar". Sort of like having a diode in a circuit. I don't get the swings of any "highs" above just feeling neutral, but definitely get the swings down into the pits of depression whenever something sparks a memory or else a situation arises where I find myself wishing that Connie was there with me to see something. Like for instance, it hit me hard when I was coming back from Tallahassee and saw that the wild azaleas are beginning to bloom near our stream. She always loved this time of year and we would take walks down to the stream just to look at the flowers.

And the citrus that remain from that cold spell during Christmas, 2022 are blooming as well. She always loved smelling the citrus tree blooms.

I can't figure out how my heart keeps on beating after these slashing assaults upon it.

And I have to ask myself, how long can I bear up with feeling this way? Sooner or later my mind is just going to head off for greener pastures and leave me behind.

I have never in my life been any place that felt as quiet and empty as my house feels now.

:nopity:
 
Figured I had better get started on doing my taxes. Thought just keying in the data for the vehicles would be a safe thing to do. Wrong.... Looking at receipts with Connie's writing on them is bad enough, but looking at the dates getting closer and closer to 11-11-2023 is really tough. Almost as tough as seeing the dates AFTER that date.

I have no idea how signifying "spouse deceased" on the forms is going to hit me. :ack2:

Is insanity a valid defense for not doing your taxes?
 
Rich, My friend. I just read this thread. I am so sorry I have not been around. No words can even come close to making anything better. We have known each other for years. Through ups and downs.

I am thinking of you my friend. My family sends all the love we have. I am so sorry.
 
Thanks Gary.

I think I may be seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. Trying not to get my hopes up quite yet, though.

I hope you and yours are doing well and life is treating you fairly.
 
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